Fleet Week: A Portland Public Service Announcement

A man in a uniform is not a life plan.

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If you've never seen Sex and the City, there's an episode where Fleet Week arrives in New York City and suddenly the entire dating landscape changes. For one week, Manhattan is flooded with sailors. The women of the show spend the episode doing what women have done throughout history when attractive men unexpectedly appear in large numbers: discussing strategy, overanalyzing interactions, and pretending they are not interested while being very interested.

It's chaotic. It's hilarious. And somehow it becomes less about sailors and more about possibility. Which is exactly what Fleet Week feels like in Portland. Every year, the ships arrive along the waterfront, and suddenly the Rose City experiences a temporary shift in atmospheric conditions. Not weather conditions. Dating conditions.

Women who haven't opened a dating app in months are suddenly taking very long walks downtown. Rooftop bars are mysteriously busier. Groups of friends become amateur naval historians overnight. We're all just there for the boats. Obviously.

The Announcement

But one thing Sex and the City conveniently left out is that Fleet Week should probably come with a public service announcement. Because while we're all enjoying the scenery, let's remember that a man being attractive in a uniform does not automatically make him your soulmate. It makes him attractive in a uniform. That's it.

The ships eventually leave. Your life choices stay.

As Portland singles descend upon the waterfront, I would like to offer a few pieces of practical advice.

✦ Public Service Announcement ✦

1. Stay hydrated.

2. Make good decisions.

3. Remember that Fleet Week is not a scholarship program.

4. If you've known him for twenty minutes, maybe don't start imagining what your last name would look like on a Christmas card.

Ladies, we are here for a good time, not an unexpected pregnancy announcement. We are here for conversation, chemistry, and perhaps a mildly delusional fantasy that somebody is going to sweep us off our feet and take us sailing into the sunset. We are not here to create additional dependents.

The goal is memories. Not medication.

The goal is a funny story you'll tell your friends over brunch next weekend. Not a call to your doctor on Monday morning. Fleet Week is temporary. The consequences of forgetting common sense are not. So enjoy yourself. Flirt shamelessly. Take the picture. Have the conversation. Just remember that the hottest thing a woman can bring to Fleet Week isn't confidence. It's good judgment.

A Field Report From the Archives

My own Fleet Week, when I was young, ended with a boyfriend who was pretty amazing. He owned his house in Vallejo up in the hills, took me on rides on his Harley, and had a hot tub in his master bathroom. I hit the young-adult girl-boyfriend-sailor jackpot, which then turned into a mild obsession on his part, to the point that I told him I was leaving for Africa on Semester at Sea and wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship overseas. Ha. I thought that was rich, considering I was the one literally "at sea."

A sailor may steal your heart for a weekend. But nobody wants to leave Fleet Week with the clap and a story they can't tell their mother. Get the good ones, the ones you can be a smartass with, laugh with, who are chivalrous, and who may or may not be ripped, covered in tattoos, and look very good in that uniform.

Love you, mean it.